From: Mr. Richard Ethan Latker
Newsgroups: alt.politics.greens, alt.usenet.kooks
Date: 9 Feb 1996 16:52:58 GMT
Once upon a time there was a very unhappy boy named Andy Taylor. He was not a stupid man, but he did not get along well with others. He really liked attention, but his schoolmates ignored him.
"This is really unfair," said Andy. "People should pay attention to me."
Andy learned that telling little lies could sometimes make people treat him as importantly as he deserved. Once, on a fishing trip, Andy was on the same boat as a man who caught the biggest sturgeon ever in Lake Michigan. In school the next Monday, Andy told the boys that HE caught the fish.
"What's the difference?" thought Andy. "I was there. That's almost the same."
Andy didn't do very well in his studies. He liked to watch television. But Andy's parents had a lot of money, so he was accepted into a nice college in California.
"Dear Mom and Dad," he wrote his parents one day. "I have been elected president of the student body. I am working very hard."
That wasn't quite true, of course. Andy did run for a seat on the student senate. He had almost won, but during the school debate, most people decided they liked his opponent a lot better.
"What's the difference?", thought Andy. "I really should have won."
Andy joined lots of groups in college. He joined the Democratic Socialists. He joined the Young Republicans. He even tried to join the Black Student Union, but they said no, because he wasn't black.
For some reason, he would always irritate people in whatever group he joined -- especially when he talked. Sometimes the other members would ask him to leave; other times they would leave because they didn't want to hear him at meetings. Andy didn't really mind this, because the fewer people involved, the more important he felt.
Meanwhile, something wonderful was happening back in Windyville, Andy's home town. Groups of people were gathering together to stop a big chemical company from building a Styrofoam plant on the lake. They called themselves the Treepeople, the same name as a big political party across the ocean with the same ideas and visions.
Soon the Treepeople were organizing against a garbage incinerator. Next they were demanding that cars should be made to burn fuels other than gasoline. Some were even saying that it was time to restructure the economy, democratically, so that their children could enjoy a healthy planet.
There weren't very many Treepeople. They were very careful about something called "group process", which made sure that all their actions were consistent with their ideas, which they called "key values". This took time. Sometimes a lot of time, and most people who came to meetings eventually decided they would rather be with their families. But those who stayed were very successful in getting their message across, and they made some very big companies very, very angry...
Andy left college and went home to Windyville. He wanted to stay with his parents, just for a little while, but they were very angry when they found out he hadn't been student president after all. So Andy started looking for work.
He tried to sell computers, but he wasn't a very good salesman, so he quit. Next he tried to set up his own computer business. He hired other people to sell his computers, promising to pay them when they sold a certain number. But he hadn't done his math correctly. He didn't have enough money to pay his supplier or his salespeople, and he spent a lot on lunches. His salespeople quit. They were very angry.
Poor Andy was very depressed. Why didn't people like him? He always meant well. All he wanted was a little respect and attention. "This is really unfair," thought Andy.
One day, Andy saw an advertisement in the newspaper for a position as a researcher in a public relations firm. "No experience necessary," the ad said. "Just send in your resume."
Andy spent two days working on his resume. He really wanted this job. He listed his accomplishments:
"They'll never check," thought Andy. "They never do."
The next week, Andy got a call from the public relations firm, Fink & Grisly. They asked him to come for an interview. Andy dressed up in his best suit, took a taxi to F&G's big steel and glass office building, and rode the elevator to the 66th floor.
"Mr Taylor, I'm Harrison Grisly," said the fat, balding man waiting for Andy in the tasteful appointed lobby. "I'd like to be the first to welcome you to Fink & Grisly." He smiled at Andy and shook his hand. He was wearing a very nice watch.
"You mean I have the job?" asked Andy, bewildered but excited.
"Of course," said Mr G. "I've checked your resume personally. I've spoken to your references. You are perfect for the job."
Andy wondered whether Mr G. had really checked his resume, but he wasn't too concerned. "When do I start?" he asked.
"Today," said Mr G. "We have a very special assignment for you. You'll have to work from your apartment, but we'll give you a fax machine and plenty of money."
"What do you want me to do?" asked Andy, wondering if this was too good to be true.
"We need you to solve a problem for a few of our clients. Some silly people are causing trouble for them. We can't really stop these people directly, so we need someone with your kind of talent to do it for us."
"Hmmm," said Andy. "Are you sure these people aren't dangerous?"
"Nah," said Mr G., slapping Andy on the shoulder. "A pain in the ass, maybe, but not dangerous. It's an easy job. You just have to remember the three D's."
"The three D's?"
"That's right, my boy. Deceive, distract and discredit. Come into my office for a little while, I'll explain the whole thing."
About two months, later, Andy turned on the television.
"Today on Maxwell Street, about 15 Treepeople turned up to protest the use of incandescent lamps in streetlights. Treepeople spokesman Andy Taylor says that the city should be using fluorescent lights to save energy."
The camera spins over to Andy, dressed in best suit, with a few people behind him holding signs. Andy watched himself with pride.
"The Treepeople's Party thinks that this is the most important issue facing this city today," Andy was saying in his strongest voice. "We have over 2000 members Windyville alone. We have people all over the country. Thousands of them. Good Americans -- Republicans and Democrats, Christians and Jews. We want America to save energy, and switch to clean power sources like nuclear.." The newscaster cut him off midsentence.
Andy smiled. He knew that the real Treepeople had only 140 members (he had been to a Treepeople meeting the week before). He knew that the real Treepeople would call the television station and tell the reporters that they didn't like nuclear power, that they didn't have 2000 members in Windyville, and that Andy Taylor was not their spokesperson. He knew that the Treepeople would be angry, and spend a lot of their time wondering about what to do. And he knew that the reporters weren't likely to respond to a Treepeople press release for a long, long time.
Andy didn't care anymore if people said bad things about him. He was just doing his job. Mr G. had planned it all perfectly...
The End ?
To be continued, if there's interest... The next instalment is entitled:
Jimmy Goggle -- Taylor finds a friend
RL